Ahem! Gourmet or a multitude or Gourmands?
So, "finally", I was at Tote (on the Turf) the other day, with my lovely wife.
The whole thing started with my lazy ass refusing to make time for dinner after work and preoccupying myself with the suspense of "what collapses next" at the CWG venue in Delhi. This, of course, did not go well with the powers that be and several subtle and some not so subtle reminders later, an ultimatum!
So, "finally", I was at Tote (on the Turf) the other day, with my lovely wife.
We had dinner, some wine, desserts, dispensed with the check (whoa!!!) and came home. Everyone happy and still a bit of time left to check the latest Kalmadi joke on the BBM!
The End!
Well, not quite!
In the quiet hours between 12 - 5, when the only sound you hear are the 150 dogs, rendering their version of Schubert's unreleased symphony to the traumatized but ever so efficient security personnel, a thought occurred to me!
And I beg your indulgence!
So, I just spent around 4k in a restaurant that neither gave me satisfaction of the "daba ke kha" variety, or tickled my taste buds, or a huge wow in terms of decor, or had beautiful naked women performing incredible acts, or ugly naked women, or anything else! It was just a loud, overcrowded, slow served place with mediocre food at best. But, it was overcrowded!!!! So then, there must be something wrong with us I say. Or just me!
Why else would I not savor the moment of gastronomic bliss, of being in an outlet that the well heeled in Mumbai have labelled the next "Fat Duck"? Why do I not believe the PR agencies that (of course all working as non profit organizations) define for us what fine dining really is? Never mind if they were handling movie releases before this, after all who am I to make up my own mind? Why should I want to eat good food and have a delicately blended martini when I can go to a place with good publicity and feel sublime about dining with a 100 other people all wondering what they are doing here but appearing quite distinguished while doing so?
I'll tell you why. Because, me thinks, therefore me is.
Give me a Mia Cucina or a Spaghetti Kitchen (except on the weekends as some of these are in malls and by default loud on weekends) any day. Honest good Italian food, authentic at best and no certificate of validation needed from people who wouldn't know a burgundy from a bolognaise. Or a Basilico, Moshe's, Valhalla or even a Gaylord. For a long time now, places that are "in" have very little to offer "in" them except a brilliant PR campaign and a "corn and tomato ravioli" dish for 600 bucks. Corny huh?
Flip side to having a brain, well, let's put it like Thomas Gabriel did to John McLane in Die Hard 4. You're a Timex watch in a digital age!
But, fear not, I have decided to consult a hypnotherapist with the following attitude realignment so I may finally take my well deserved place amongst Mumbai's zombie minions with absolutely no individuality.
1) Please make sure I consult Rashmi Uday Singh's Good Food Guide before I step out to dine as my taste buds are quite inadequate.
2) Please program me to Google the celeb quotient of a place before reserving a table so that I may look important to people I don't know and don't care about.
3) Please also make me read page 3 compulsively and find a quick role model so the next time I go out for a drink the experience does not really matter as long as I look cool holding a champagne cocktail that tastes like something a hyena mother brought back from the hunt.
4) Lastly, my wife complains about the coke can left on the kitchen counter. Would request you to reprogram me to trash the same so as to make sure the aesthetic of the kitchen is maintained.
So, the next time, post therapy, we review this fantastic place called Olive Bar & Kitchen and a whole lotta horseshit.
Cheerio!
PS: There are "NO" anonymous reviews. Sorry.
So, "finally", I was at Tote (on the Turf) the other day, with my lovely wife.
The whole thing started with my lazy ass refusing to make time for dinner after work and preoccupying myself with the suspense of "what collapses next" at the CWG venue in Delhi. This, of course, did not go well with the powers that be and several subtle and some not so subtle reminders later, an ultimatum!
So, "finally", I was at Tote (on the Turf) the other day, with my lovely wife.
We had dinner, some wine, desserts, dispensed with the check (whoa!!!) and came home. Everyone happy and still a bit of time left to check the latest Kalmadi joke on the BBM!
The End!
Well, not quite!
In the quiet hours between 12 - 5, when the only sound you hear are the 150 dogs, rendering their version of Schubert's unreleased symphony to the traumatized but ever so efficient security personnel, a thought occurred to me!
And I beg your indulgence!
So, I just spent around 4k in a restaurant that neither gave me satisfaction of the "daba ke kha" variety, or tickled my taste buds, or a huge wow in terms of decor, or had beautiful naked women performing incredible acts, or ugly naked women, or anything else! It was just a loud, overcrowded, slow served place with mediocre food at best. But, it was overcrowded!!!! So then, there must be something wrong with us I say. Or just me!
Why else would I not savor the moment of gastronomic bliss, of being in an outlet that the well heeled in Mumbai have labelled the next "Fat Duck"? Why do I not believe the PR agencies that (of course all working as non profit organizations) define for us what fine dining really is? Never mind if they were handling movie releases before this, after all who am I to make up my own mind? Why should I want to eat good food and have a delicately blended martini when I can go to a place with good publicity and feel sublime about dining with a 100 other people all wondering what they are doing here but appearing quite distinguished while doing so?
I'll tell you why. Because, me thinks, therefore me is.
Give me a Mia Cucina or a Spaghetti Kitchen (except on the weekends as some of these are in malls and by default loud on weekends) any day. Honest good Italian food, authentic at best and no certificate of validation needed from people who wouldn't know a burgundy from a bolognaise. Or a Basilico, Moshe's, Valhalla or even a Gaylord. For a long time now, places that are "in" have very little to offer "in" them except a brilliant PR campaign and a "corn and tomato ravioli" dish for 600 bucks. Corny huh?
Flip side to having a brain, well, let's put it like Thomas Gabriel did to John McLane in Die Hard 4. You're a Timex watch in a digital age!
But, fear not, I have decided to consult a hypnotherapist with the following attitude realignment so I may finally take my well deserved place amongst Mumbai's zombie minions with absolutely no individuality.
1) Please make sure I consult Rashmi Uday Singh's Good Food Guide before I step out to dine as my taste buds are quite inadequate.
2) Please program me to Google the celeb quotient of a place before reserving a table so that I may look important to people I don't know and don't care about.
3) Please also make me read page 3 compulsively and find a quick role model so the next time I go out for a drink the experience does not really matter as long as I look cool holding a champagne cocktail that tastes like something a hyena mother brought back from the hunt.
4) Lastly, my wife complains about the coke can left on the kitchen counter. Would request you to reprogram me to trash the same so as to make sure the aesthetic of the kitchen is maintained.
So, the next time, post therapy, we review this fantastic place called Olive Bar & Kitchen and a whole lotta horseshit.
Cheerio!
PS: There are "NO" anonymous reviews. Sorry.
Hahaha...
ReplyDeleteBut Sad it's True
Dont bother with Olive , i'v been there and honestly its an over hyped, all white smelly place with lousy service .
ReplyDeletei mean sure its nice to sashay in and look around haughtily and feel like you belong to this nose in the air, set . If i had to really be true to myself , id rather not belong to this 2 faced snotty society that thinks being rude to the help is the same as being classy!
And the food is nothing to write home about either.
Was this review meant for Tote or Olive?
ReplyDeleteI think for both, it was just a jibe at a loss of the "VFM" concept!!!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this.
ReplyDeleteYou're funny... write some more please!